99 candles on my blogday cake

In conjunction with the celebration of my 99th post before I hit the three figure bubble, I would like to talk about somethig very general. Life. I know that it may sound boring and bland and so this is a good time to leave this page if you have no time for nonsensical debauchery. Life for me thus far, I must say, have been good and I am grateful for that. It feels like New Year's eve, somewhat as if I have things to say or do before the clock strikes 12 and marks a whole new beginning. In this episode of my life, that could not be further from the truth. There are decisions and choices that I would have to make and changes that I will have to adhere to, be it from myself of from those around me.

Back when I was in high school, up until secondary 4, I have always been the bullied one and I was always patient. I never threw a tantrum at anyone besides that one time when I swung an atlas across someone's face. When we were young, things were so much simpler. We were like a piece of wet clay waiting to be moulded. I remember that there was this once when in secondary 2, Faridz, Martin and I saved a dollar a day in a plastic container, hoping to save enough to go for a holiday at the end of the year. We were young and had funny dreams. Some idiot then broke into my locker and took everything and he even sabotaged my Kemahiran Hidup project. I was pissed but I was still calm.

Secondary 5 forced me to live a different life. I did not even recognise who I was at that time. Besides being ridiculously thin at 59kg, my temper was really whacked. I got into so many troubles and I have chased people around the school field with a shoe in my hand just because they complained when I took away THEIR football.
Things got ugly but that was how I met a new bunch of friends. A bunch of friends who will eventually teach me to do many things for the first time. (Sex not included)

College life was a bucket of fun for me and I resumed my character as I was up until secondary 4. I was a nice kid. I was nice to everyone and many people liked me. Life in college was really great for me as I have somehow gotten myself known by many people and I never had a single boring day where I do not know what I should do to fill my time. I was around many friends. Then the unthinkable happened. Rumours went around saying that I stole my buddy's girlfriend. It's a long story but I did nothing behind his back. All I did was something that he could not do. I cared. Everyone then looked at me with scorn and I was really amazed that people can just take things at surface value and judge me. I saw my friends leaving me and only a few was left. One of them was Wern Shen. I was having breakfast with him and another friend one day and they just broke it to me. It was only then I understood why I felt sidelined. Even my high school friend (he's a pilot now), turned his back on me and said that there were people on his table who would want to whack me during prom night. The transition then began. I became the seconday 5 Charles again. This Charles is scary and would spare no one.

I changed again when I went to Australia and I changed for the worse when I am came back to Malaysia when something happened. I do not wish to even mention about it anymore. I have changed for the worse.

The point of all these is just to say that we have the right to choose the path that we wish to follow. We can choose the hands which moulds us. I am glad that everyone that I have came across, at some point in time, crossed my life because it is because of them, I know who I am and who I can be. I know who I want to be. And i know that I can be that better person. I know that I can be that happier person. Some people choose to hide in denial and some people choose to put on a mask and be someone whom they are not. I am unlike them. My friends who know me will know my transition pattern. They would have experienced the greatest tolerance from me and they would have experienced the worst from me.
I want the transition to stop. I want to stay in the good man zone. Fret not, there will be no masks. Just Charles. Just the Charles that everyone knew from the very beginning.

I was having breakfast alone this morning and I overheard a conversation which got me laughing. Everyone, inevitably will make comparisons. Everyone is guilty of that. It is human nature. When we were younger, we will compare everything from grades to height. When we are grown up, we will compare everything from wealth to girth, boyfriends to diametres. I just wish for you guys to know that everyone is different and that is the greatest thing about individuality. We improve each other.
The conversation that I overheard was between 3 Aunties. I will just call them 1,2 and 3. The conversation has been translated from Cantonese to English by yours truly.

1 : Aiyo, your grandson so fat d hor. Never go out Exercise meh?

2 : Yalorr, my grandson arr, everyday play basketball wan arr. He so thin and fit.

1 : My grandson also same lorr. SO many girls call him at night lar. His mother also scold d.

2 : My grandson also larr. Handphone ring non-stop. Talk talk talk dunno got study or not.

1 : (talking to 3) Your grandson so fat not good larr. No people like wan. Next time no girl want.

3 : Aiyo, what to do? My son very successful and get so much money, send my grandson to "Mei Kok" (USA) to study. There arr, I heard very cold. How to go out exercise. He comes back once a year only marr. My son also tell me he and his girlfriend also 2 years together already. I don't really like when I see the picture larr. You know "Kwai Po" (Foreign Ladies) and I next time very hard to talk one marr. She face white white, hair gold gold. Don't know how to say my grandson d larr.

1&2 : ............ ok.

That was seriously the highlight of my day and it did make my whole day a lot happier. That two aunties just got owned big time. Oh well. Post number 100 coming up. Don't hold your breath for it. Because you will die. And when you die, you will not be alive. And when you are not alive you will be dead. And when you are dead, you are no longer alive. Take care all.

Cupid's Chokehold

I am currently having dinner at my friend's place. Remember Sheley? She is my best of friend from Mindshaare. Remember Mindshare? That was my previous company. Here I am having instant noodle with Shel and another two of my ex-colleague, Fiona and Sue and they are actually arguing with each, fighting over the tedious task and responsibility of washing the dishes. What's up with that anyway? I am trying to type and finish my food at the same time so that I can pass on my bowl to her. We are here on a drinking mission and Shel happens to have a 1.5 litre of Heineken, vodka and wine.
I actually have something gravely important to share with you guys but the constant singing of the Carlsberg jingle by Sue and the fact that pepper went into Fiona's nose is actually distracting me from blogging. They are singing Cupid's Chokehold now. I guess that I will just have to blog some other time. This blog will document everything that they do until I feel like I want to continue eating. this is the first meal that Shel cooked for me and it's instant noodle. Nothing worth noting since it is just instant noodle. Well, goodbye peeps... I guess it's back to drinking and my dinner. Will update once I have peace and back in my own place. Anyway, I love them.

The complexity of a human mind

It's cloudy today isn't it?
Looks like it's just going to pour.
Wonder how the traffic will be like later on.
Well, hope that you guys have a safe journey home.
The winds are strong as well so please hold on to your umbrella.

There will always be a point in time when you are stuck in a situation where you do not know what to do and you do not truly understand the complexity of everything. You know that the only complexity that exists in the whole scenario is the human factor and I thought that that would be the least of the problems. Who would have thought that humans cannot control the disaster that we ourselves created. Be it war. Be it feelings. As humans, we always think that things will eventually turn out for the better if not for the best but there are things which will not work themselves out if we do not choose to act upon it. Dilemmas. Things are not always easy just as the oceans are not always calm. What is it that we can do to remedy problems which are already so deeply soaked into the souls of the very one that we are trying to protect? I wish i knew the answer to that. I do not think that anyone has the capabilities to comprehend exactly what goes on in the head... and sometimes heart of another. All we can do is guess. My guesses are always wrong. God is an intelligent being. He created something that even the most advance of technology cannot read and comprehend. He created individual minds. He created individuality. He created each of us to be different.

Differences. How do we actually differ from each other besides the obvious physical outlook that each of us have? Character. That is the only thing. And that is the only thing that we cannot fully comprehend. How I wish that I can utilise more than that measly 5% of my brain. Maybe then I can know what goes on in people's mind. Maybe then I can know what I can do. Maybe then I can finally be sure of myself.

There is always more to life than being who we are. We should always try and learn to be more than who we can be. That way, life will truly be worth living. Life will truly be lived.

The Secret

I have lost even before I start my battle.

I am currently reading a book titled The Secret and it basically says that you have such cosmic powers that everything will come true for you if you just 'ask for it, believe in it, and receive it'.
I am doubtful but trying it have made me a happier person. It made me smile a little bit more than I usually do. It encourages you to live in a world of make believe and that one day, all your imaginations and fantasies will spawn into your life, making it all real. All you have to do is believe in it. Think of it and believe in it. Sounds easy doesn't it? It's not. How do you imagine or believe something that you know is so impossible? It is indeed really fun to believe in. It is even fun to read as you feel that for everything that you want, there is a chance for you to have it. It's a little bit like religion, all you have to do is believe in it and maybe have a little faith and you go to heaven into the arms of God when you die.

I cannot give you an account on whether it does truly works or not. I am trying. To no avail.

Congrats Leanne and Benjamin

CY and I went out for a drink yesterday night to meet up with a friend. Main purpose: Meet up with her. Secondary purpose: Collect weding invitation. She has already signed the papers and so, legally, she is married. The whole ceremony will be held on the 9th of next month and I really wonder how it feels like. Leanne and Benjamin have been going out for 5 years before they decided to tie the knot and I am sure that it is not an easy decision to make.

I met Leanne when I was still in form 4, you see, we attended the same tuition class. She, among the three other girls in my class, was closest to me. After high school ended and we moved on to college, technology bridged the distance between our friendship and we kept in touch from time to time. She then went on to pre-university and that was where she met CY and in Uni, CY and I got to know each other. Hard to believe that it has been so long.

Congratulations Leanne and Benjamin. Hope that your marriage will be blessed and showered with love and mutual understanding.

This is me

In a lifetime, there will be that someone that comes along and change you. My friend told me that. I wonder if that person changed for the better or the worse. I have done so many wrong things. I have hurt so many. Karma? Maybe. Regret? Yes. Repent? Hopefully. I need to rest. I just feel like going off somewhere and stay away from the world for a while. I need to be alone. I don't even have the energy to lash it all out at a punching bag. Everyone sees me as being fine and all that because I always appear to be happy and all smiles when I meet them. At least I try to. That is who I am. I am born that way. This is where the non-smiling me is. This is where I sulk and this is where I show the bitter and grey side of myself. This is also where I get more people pinning me down and where people come out at random to give me another kick. They can do that. That is who they are. Life needs more variety, some weak, some strong, some nice and some with toes stuck up their ass. I sometimes just wish that, just hope that people may look at things from a different point of view. Maybe I need to do the same.

Some friends are for keeps. They try to understand. They understand that I have my faults but they do ask me why I do what I do. They may not agree but at least they ask. They try to understand me. Maybe emphatize with me. They do not judge me, at least not before they know what happened.

After what happened, others have lost but have I gained? What if I lost the most? Would people know? Very few. Life, as seen through my eyes, still have a long way to go. The question is, will you guys stick out your feet to trip me or would you stick your hand to help me? That was rhetorical.

Got Drinks?

What do you get when you cross Red wine and champagne and whisky?
An idiot pretending to be busy and updating his blog the next day at work.

I have come to realise that I am somewhat very powerful in price negotiations as I have the knack to make sales rep face a dilemma as to whether they should give in to my request and face the possibility of being sacked by their boss for giving so much for so cheap or whack the crap out of me, take my wallet and salvage all the coins that I carry with me (I am a poor kid with no notes in my wallet. Please do not check my left back pocket. Thank you). I woke up with a headache, had breakfast with a headache and came to work with a headache. I proceeded to check my mails with a headache and tried to think of something to type in my blog with a headache. Besides all the headaches, I think that I am still quite functional.

Please just bear with me because I do not even know what the fuck I am rambling on about.
Oh ya, I wanted to talk about how I squeeze the last drop out of those sales reps but I guess that it is not that interesting.
Lets talk about people being bitter. Lets talk about people criticising you and not facing you. Lets talk about people showing up and showing you a sour face, as if you raped his/her dog. Lets talk about people telling a big bunch of crap but makes a turn to tell you how great they are. Lets talk about people who are born rich, born with 20 cents in their diapers. Lets talk about good versus evil.

Oh well, I guess I shall just talk about the last one. Good versus evil. I once talked about how I could relate to the spiderman in the black suit, being stronger, being more egoistic, being more powerful as a whole but those in exchange for having a temper. Having a really really REALLY fucked up temper. A debate ensued and it is said that good always tower over evil. It goes something like this:

Charles : I dun only wanna be king. I wanna be GOD.

Her : Then I wanna be Lucifer.

Charles : My soldier kicked your ass into hell.

Her : So you see, good always triumph over evil.
So you should not be like you are wearing the black
suit because you will be evil and evil never wins.

Charles : Wrong, I am GOD.... with the black suit.

Her : ....................

Sigh.... enough of talking cock and singing song. I will continue to be non-productive and chat with the born rich Clement and the getting-richer-by-the-day Chee Leong.

What a saga...

Quite a chapter wasn't it? These kind of things happens often on my blog and so as a conclusion, many people hate me, that is if anonymous is not a single person, or many people who likes me does not show their support in anyway besides the few who called and left some comments in my defence. I needed that. I needed someone to push me over the edge and make me lose it once more and it is now that I know, I realise or maybe the more appropriate word would be, I re-realised what drove away those whom are important to me. My temper.

I have written a few posts regarding my temper and I have always said that I would try and change for the better but those were always words. Maybe this time, the moment has really come for me to change. I have more comitments towards my work and there are many people that I would have to meet and if a mere comment like that would bring me down and flare me up, I guess that I would not make it very far. I learnt that being strong does not mean that I have to always be aggresive, always be oppressive. Instead, there is strength in forgiving, in staying calm and in patience. Now I know I can grow stronger. I sincerely try to be a better person.

Slap on the face with a glove

Dear all,

I am officially issuing a fucking challenge to you fuckers out there who are fucking hiding in your fucking tortoise shell, being anonymous and all that crap. You have an issue with me, come and say it straight to my face and do not for once think that you portray yourself as a noble bastard by trying to step me down on my mistakes because you still are to me, nothing but a piece of flaming piece of shit with miniature balls. Own up you bloody motherfucker. You know what, I think you fuck your own brother just because you are such a fucking coward.

Last piece of advice you son of a bitch, grow some balls and then maybe you don't have to wear that skirt that your mother forced you to wear to school and the bright pink panties with lace since you don't need room for your balls and dick. Reason? You have no balls and your dick is on your head.

One more thing, if you are not a man (literally), please stop being a dumb whore and continue standing on the curb and hope that you get another 12 bucks that you charge per hour you dumb whore.

Come on, own up, I dare you.

Sincerely,
Charles