Nightmare of dreaming a dream

It was scary, no, it was more like a total mindfuck. The vocals of Timbaland and beats to the song "Bounce" echoed in my ear and it hit me that my phone was ringing. I woke up realising that my surroundings were actually dark and all I could see was the illumination of my mini stereo set that I mysteriously found sent to me. I was staring at the stereo and my eyes focused on the bass that was vibrating due to all the thumping from the track, and all of a sudden I woke up, again. And there I was, on my bed, phone beside me ringing. The time was 8.16 am and I knew that I was late.
I moved into my new house last Thursday and as I was unpacking, I found a package that was sent to me and it seemed like it was there for sometime, just that no one told me and I did not notice it although it was a big package. It was a set of mini-stereo.

How am I doing?

It has come to a point where I wonder how I am really performing at my job. Am I good? Am I moderate? Am I not up to par? I really wish I knew. I have always pride myself to be someone who is intelligent but I have reached a junction where I do not know how much change I have actually brought to the company. How successful are my campaigns? The ideas that I have, do they work? I need someone to judge my work and tell me whether what I am doing is right or wrong. I need someone who will tell me how or what I can do to improve what I am already doing. All the ideas that I have, I will throw it pass my dad beforehand and ask his opinions and more often than not, he will hit me with all the drawbacks that I have never realized existed. He is good in that way. He is able to see so much deeper into the whole idea that I wish I could do the same. I am someone who is over-confident and at times, over-optimistic, thinking that whatever I do will be great and I always strive to do things that no one else in the industry has done before.

I admit that I hunger for fame. I hunger for people to recognize my work and my dad realized that. He is afraid that this mentality of mine will be destructive. He once said that with this way of life that I am leading, falling will definitely break me and I believe his words to be true. I do not think that I can go through failure without having my confidence and ego crushed.

On a happier note, I have got the chance to meet up with these few celebrities and my preconception of them being pretentious and stuck up rather amused me when I found out that they were not how I thought of them to be. How shallow. They are just like you and me but more recognisable. I have been out drinking and chatting and clubbing with them and they are just another crazy bunch of people that I can call friends. Well all in all its been really fun. I guess I count my blessings to have the most fun position in my company. The best part of my work is definitely the people that I meet.

How do we path our way?

Have you ever thought about where you would be when you are thirty? How much you would have achieved when you are 35 and how your life would be when you blow the 40th candle on your birthday cake? I would not know how my life would be but I do think about it. I dream about how I wish my life to be when I am there. I dream of what I wish out of my life and the timeline that I set for myself to achieve it. Many people would not view me as someone serious and that I take life one day at a time. Maybe they are right. I do enjoy partying too much to be taken as someone relatively serious. The drinking escapades that I have and the amount of times that I have to be dragged home are not convincing gestures that I have my life planned out. Well, I have had my fair share of criticism but one thing's for sure, I know how I want my life to turn out and I am willing to charge towards that.

I know that everyone once imagined how they wish for their life to be when they are older and already with their family but not many people keep that thought in mind long enough to take the first step to materialise it. I had a very insightful discussion with a friend last night about this topic over my milo ice and his ais kosong. I told him that someone's biggest regret is that when a person does not do something to the best of his ability and not gain what he is supposed to, not get the chance deserved, not improving and not growing. I do understand that sometimes, we are dealt with bad cards and the cards can suck so bad that it makes you feel that you are falling down what seems to be a bottomless pit and it is then you get lost. You lose focus and you lose what it takes to fight on. Many times I have felt that way. May it be betrayal or may it be love, I have fallen so many times and every single time made me hate the world but it is through that that we grow. Through that we learn to stand again and make sure that we do not get hurt by the same circumstance. Some say that I am violent and cruel and that I am not as calm, collected and composed as I was before. Maybe that was the past. That I chose to protect myself by being a bigger asshole than those instigator but again we learn. I have hurt too many in the process and I am now who I am today. I still play hard and I stay out till the wee hours of the mornings but I have my priorities right. I know what I want and I will fight for it. I no longer lash out at the world or drown my pain by ignoring their existence. I no longer sweep my problems under the carpet. Recognitions that I get do not just come to me. I get it by working for it.
It's not easy and I do admit that luck plays a part but that is life. You get dealt bad hands and have shits thrown at you, maybe one after the other, maybe continuously even. But when you persevere, you will get what you deserve. I am not here to preach or think that I am all wise and smart enough to pass down wisdom to anyone. It just pains me to not see that strong person that I used to see anymore. I know that you may be lost a little right now but I hope you will fight through it. If you do, I know you will once more be who you truly can be.

Dear friend, I hope that you get to read this and I wish you the best of luck and you know that I am always here.

Something funny about someone...

Initially, I thought of posting up my birthday event that was, as usual, jointly held with Mr. Darrell Chui a.k.a Mr Pilot a.k.a Chui Pi Pi a.k.a Chui Be Loon but the pictures for the grand event is not in yet so what can I do? I guess that it will just have to wait little longer even though, yes, it happened a week ago.

A series of events that happened lately got me labeled as a bad fruit and of course, befitting as it may be, it all depends on who placed the accusations on me. It has come to a point where I no longer lose my head over matters like these but instead, find myself being able to laugh at the hilarity and the stupidity that some people are capable of exhibiting. It may be true that I am not a perfect person, and damn, I am even lucky to be anywhere astray of imperfections but I do have my hint and pinch of goodness... oh well. One thing's for sure, I do have my friends. I will not base this blog post on someone specific ( the person who chose to hide behind the anonymity of "someone") but instead, address this issue in general.

I always view these kind of people as the jealous type who have tasted the sour grapes, attacking those like me in order to feel better about their pathetic life and feeling of being non-existent. Why do that and appear like a total loser? I have come to a conclusion that it is this kind of people that wanted themselves to be seen or be in the limelight or even be wanted but they failed, they failed to get recognition and they failed to get the girl that they want, rendering them bitter and afraid. They may speak as if they have loads of experience in regards to this matter and they may claim that they speak from experience but if you are so great, why not show it in actions? If there is a point to prove, why not prove your point instead of your contant blaberring that carries no significance? If there is a lesson behind these lectures, why not come to me and let me know what it is? I really wish to know and all these being said, it is not even a challenge or a reason for me to rip your face off, I just want to know and be a better person. Or maybe I just want to rip your face off. Does not matter now.

Funny isn't it how people self promote themselves to the height of supreme beings where they feel that they know everything and have a crystal clear view of all your flaws when they themselves does not know the boundaries of their words. I wish to introduce more friends to those lost souls who has too much time in their hands whereby they will wither into the lives of others and try to be a parasite and suck some attention off them. These kind of people view themselves as being the all-knowing-seen-it-all but as the Transformer theme goes, there's more than meets the eye. Many people here think that they know me and I do not deny that some people do and those are the people who really know me, trust me, there are only a handful.

Just to rub it in, you will never get what I am able to get or achieve what I am able to achieve because I dare say what I want to say and not hide under the covers like a coward. And just to rub it in even deeper, I was just wondering which sour grape you have tasted. Let me know and I will introduce you to that person. Just so you know, none of the people that I love will love a coward who does not even dare to show his face when being aggravated. Oh well, yet again.

I have done great injustice to my girlfriend that I have never ever featured her in my blog and so I guess that I owe it to her. Every others before this was introduced in my blog and I realised that she was not. Sorry that it took so long Miss Vicky Chow.

High Infidelity

To what extent is infidelity accepted or should the question resonates to the sound of how much could be done before a person is viewed as being void of fidelity? I do not know how to view this matter from the ladies' point of view as I do not dare judge when I cannot put myself in their shoes and comprehend their motives or reasons for being disloyal but for a guy's point of view, I guess I can contribute my two cents. That being said, it does not mean that I have been (always) unfaithful but as the question goes;

'What are the criteria or actions taken which will then constitute to transgression in a relationship? What is viewed as exceeding the limits and crossing the boundaries when it comes to relationships?'

This post is actually 'inspired' by the happenings around me lately whereby I am put in a situation where the plaintiff is a great person who is suffering in silence, crying herself silly almost every now and then. The defendant just happened to be my friend, my brother. When I come to think about it, defendant and I are so much alike, just that the way we handle the situation differ from each other. I am usually seen as the bad guy because to start a new relationship, I take drastic moves, I break people's heart, I break promises and as a result, I break them. This has happened once too many times and thus, hoping to make up for all that I have done, hoping that there is still a place for me in heaven, I repent. At least I hope I did. My defendant friend's way of handling it is totally ignoring the fact that anything happened. He will be seen as being misunderstood, not knowing what to do and confused. I have been in and out of relationships for so many times that I am blinded. Blind to see those that really cares and blind to see that some want me for certain reasons. Some people chose me for reasons that I could never comprehend. I am devoid of good looks and great body, money aplenty I have not. What is it that girls see in me I do not know. I am not complaining. I just don't understand. My friend is different, he has the charms to the looks to the layers of dough in his GUCCI wallet. But I guess that's the way life is, it's fair to a certain extent and unfair to a certain extent which all in all makes it fair again, if that even makes sense.

Digressed a little bit there, my apologies. What constitutes to someone being disloyal, unfaithful, guilty of infidelity? How far does one person have to go before being branded on their forehead with the word 'PLAYER', having to carry that word, that adjective, that misconception for life? When I say misconception, I meant it for myself. It does not mean that there are no jerks around and every case of being unfaithful can be justified. I have been sort of a philanderer before and the outcome was really bad.

It really depends on how much the girl could take. I am close to many girl friends. Nothing scandalous, just close. Vicky is someone who is very understanding in this issue and thus I have the freedom to mix with pretty much anyone that I want to mix with. In a very nonsensical way, I now have a big wife ( who happens to be a guy), a small wife ( who is now in Hong Kong), a senior concubine (Vicky), a lover, and a girlfriend. It is all good because everyone there is my close friend. The hardest thing about being in love is staying in love once you are with that special someone. It is not easy and many times I have failed, only to realise that it filled me with regrets and then comes the part where I try to make up. It will be a vicious circle until that one fine day, you no longer are able to patch the hole that you made, you no longer have the means to make up for your wrong doings and then you fall. When you fall, standing up will be the hardest thing that you have had to do.

I fall out of love for the most trivial things. That is because I did not have the patience to tolerate and I take all things too personally. All that leads to arguments and arguments lead to cracks in the relationship. I give up too easily. I give up way too easily. That is something that I have vowed to overcome. I cannot differentiate the difference of falling out of love and plain old being angry. When for that moment I did not feel like I care for that person, I feel that I no longer have love for them. Time and time again I was proven wrong which prompted me to finally learn. When things like that happen, that is where infidelity comes in. I am not trying to create an excuse for myself but it's true. I fall in love with another because I thought that I have fallen out of love with the previous. People outside the circle will look at me as if I am someone who plays people out and I have no right to question their view because that is the image that I have projected to them. Not everyone knows and not everyone understands. At least I changed. At least I am trying. I guess I have not provided an answer for the question of this post.

What are the qualities and actions taken which will constitute to someone being guilty of infidelity?

I will never know. Who will?

The Best Post

I just came up with a fucking brilliant new idea for my fucking incredible blog. Oh my god, I can't believe that it took me so fucking long to think of this. Who the fuck am I kidding. I have no new ideas of any sort. Fuck it. My blog is becoming boring with entries being more mediocre and as a reflection of my life, my blog says that I am a sad pathetic fucker with nothing much going on and thus nothing much to write about. I don't fucking care. I want to pretend that there is so fucking much going on for me. I WANT TO. I HAVE TO. AND BECAUSE I CAN.

Who the fuck am I fucking kidding again. I can talk about work but work should be left in the office. I can talk about politics but I guess that the government is actually fucking people up their arse if you talk about "sensitive issues" such as race, religion, politicians and how the government is fucking up our fucking economy by spending money on things which does not benefit the fucking people of this fucking country. Let me explain why I feel so strongly about this issue.

The government being the great leaders that we, maybe not we but our parents and elders elected, are a bunch of sentimental people who puts the image of the country first. That is why they decided to build a RM400,000,000 palace for our beloved king. There is definitely nothing wrong with that besides the fact that with RM400,000,000 you can fucking build a fucking village and does it, honestly, take RM400,000,000 to build that Istana? My best guess is that half of it or more will go to the retirement fund for a few individual. I am only speculating of course and hope that no action will be taken and that I will not be summoned to court. I like typing down so many zeros. 400 fucking million, that is what I call a worthwhile investment, a chance for visitors to come and take a few photographs outside the gate with those guards on horses and voila, Malaysia will be known worldwide by everyone because the visitors will spread the news that Malaysia spent a whopping RM400,000,000 on a palace so that a few people can stay in it and everyone will be so hyped up that they will call their agent the second they heard the news and get tickets to visit Malaysia just to see it. This will in turn generate publicity for our beloved country and also revenue because foreign monetary injection means expansion for our country's economy and if everything turns out fine, the government will have another RM400,000,000 to build another palace right beside it, but this one's in white and will house our prime minister and his family plus his cats. Malaysia will be the proud owner of the twin tower and the Twin Palace. I can see that our country is moving towards great achievements.

Of course there is the bridge for Penang or some place like that where they will spend many zeros also. This bridge is so great that there are designated areas for people to stop their car and have a view of our beautiful straits of Malacca which truly reflects on the identity that Malaysians have accustomed with over their lifetime, TEH TARIK. Maybe not so bad but something similar. Maybe not similar but we definite see no fishes swimming there and good fucking luck trying to find Nemo in there. What are all those for?

There are mosques sprouting up everywhere as well. I am not trying to stir any controversy regarding race or religion but come on. How many do you need? There is a new one built along Jalan Pudu, as if the traffic there is not congested enough. I wonder how people will get through that area during the Friday prayers. Is the government allowed to build chinese temple or indian temple? Are we not classified as Malaysians? Is it because we are the minority? Oh well. What can I say? I am just a minority.

My point is, there is no point but just that MY BLOG FUCKING RULES AND I HAVE LOTS GOING ON FOR ME. WOOOHOOOO. I love my country. I love you guys. Love me too.

Update:
The comments that I have received actually suggests that I am a racist and if you do read my blog carefully, I am merely stating the inefficiency of how the administration is doing their job and about the unfairness of the government towards the minorities of the nation. I have my fair share of Malay friends and acquaintances and please do not take it the wrong way. In my post, I did not discriminate the Malays but instead, the officials who are Malays and not doing their part for other races. Comments are welcome but please do not, in any way, stir up any racial disharmony among the readers of this blog. Thank you.

p/s: I will reply any comments should there be further dissatisfactions.

A Post With a Title

The first month of 2007 is coming to an end. January has always been the time where everyone will have set their goals and visions and have a list in their mind of what they wish to accomplish in this coming year, same goes for me. It was never easy for me to set goals for myself, be it for career, friendship, relationship and all the other factors that constantly play a part in moulding my life and make me who I will become. Each of us will set a guideline to follow, a guideline to lead us to where we want to be for the next coming year but very often, things do not turn out the way we initially plan it to be. There are too many external factors or unforeseen circumstances that will plague our way throughout the year and we will just come to the decision to just take things as they come and make the best out of it.

Throughout the 23 years that passed me by, I have learnt so much just by the company that I am with. Even in this blog itself, so many things revolving around my life have been documented, from my love life, to the failing of my love life, from friends getting married, to friends falling out, from celebrations to the mourning of my grandma's departure from us. I started this blog in 2005 and I don't even remember when the exact date was ( I know that I can check from the date of my first published post but I am lazy), and now, 2 years already passed me by. Maybe 1 year half because I remember that it was somewhen in June or July that I started writing. By comparison, many blogs have already become so damn famous but being a blog where only my friends will view, I am content that you guys still come and pay this blog a visit once in a while. This is where I share the happenings of my life, the ups and downs and the lefts and rights. This blog has opened myself to criticism and verbal bashing one too many times but at the end of the day, those are all words of advice from my friends, telling me to be a man, telling me not to be a whining bitch, telling me that my temper is like the goddess of mercy when she just woke up and found out that her magical water lily transport has been stolen, ( in short, it means that my temper sucks big time) ( Goddess of Mercy is a figure in Buddhism teaching who goes around helping people while staying afloat a gigantic water lily).

This post does not have a specific purpose but I just wish to thank everyone who has stayed with me through all these times. Be it through my blog or staying by my side. I thank you. And it is also one of my new resolutions to forgive and forget everything that has happened. Thank you once again.

Next post, my trip to Hong Kong. There is nothing special about it so lets just forget about that crap. Bye bye