Concoctions

Deliberate or not, sometimes people can say the things that would pierce right through your heart and you feel so much pain, to the extent that it is physical. People may get mad at you for being unhappy, mad at you for trying to be sincere when talking to others, mad at you for trying to make things better just by shutting up so that you would not say the wrong things, mad at you when you try so hard to put on a happy face but you just could not do it. The tables have turned. Haha, GOD does have a great sense of humour, granting me all the courage, strength, confidence and determination that I have always wanted but it was the very same combinations that lead me to my fall. Those attributes, it seems, are the concoctions to create a whole new different element called EGO. I failed in controlling the Mr. Hyde of me and it took over. It made me blind. I could not see what I needed to see, what I should have seen. It made me deaf. Every piece of advice given to me had been ignored, every sob fallen on deaf ears. It made me numb. I could not feel emotions, compassion, I became inhumane. Existence of justice became apparent. Vengeance is sweet indeed. Unfortunately, I am at the receiving end. The wrath and fury has finally found its way through my door. I have played my last card, I lost and I am at the mercy of the victim.

Red eye

There was nothing that I could see besides the red light from my Samsung charger and the sound of silence was too much for me to bear since I lay on my bed wide awake. I should be tired. My shoulders hurt. My eyes are dry. I need to sleep, I have to wake up early for work. There are just too many things running through my mind, forcing my eyes open, pushing my brain to work over time. What has come over me? Actually, I know all the answers to my questions but since they are not favorable, I choose to seek new ones. Sadly, there are none. Not just yet. I no longer hold the power to do the things that I wish to as I see fit. Not everything that is. Not for the thing that I view as very important to me at least. I just heard a beep. It was my handphone, indicating that the battery is full. I never noticed that before. Maybe there are just too many things that I did not notice and still am not noticing. There are a few people who could see through me like a window. No matter how hard I try to disguise the unhappiness in my voice, in my appearance, they would know. To them, I am transparent. To some, I am fake. To most, I am just a fucking sadist. I thought that I have always known what I have always been doing. Ego. It’s good only if used in moderation. For me, it was blown all out of proportion.
I feel so cooped up. It’s hard to breathe and my heart does hurt literally. Maybe it’s the cigarettes, who knows. What a fucking wimp, I know. There are times when I just wish that I have an ON/OFF button on me. Well, too late for all my bitching and whining now. Life goes on as they say. I’ve gotta move forward. I just wish that she will be there to accompany me on that journey.

Tears from Heaven

The rain is pouring. Another day passed and I am dead tired. Working is starting to get more enjoyable now as I get to go out and meet people. Everything in life, there are pros and cons, be it personal life or corporate. I have to go out and meet up with potential clients for the next few days but maybe these manufacturers have a thing for setting up their factories so damn far. Tomorrow would be Batu Tiga, then to Klang, then one in Balakong. They are spread out to three separate days so don’t cry for me just yet. Enough about work. Work should be left where it is once I walk out of Megan Avenue II.
I realize that there is something miraculous about what we all take for granted. Rain. Do you realize how rain will make us stop or just slow down to marvel at its magnificence? Its beauty and how it prides itself for bringing joy for so many captures our conscious mind, wraps us in its song and makes us forget about all the pain that we feel. That is exactly what the droplets of pure, untouched, virgin essence of moisture does for us. So how does it do what it does? How does rain makes us stop and fully absorb its captivating presence? Two words. Traffic jams. How the hell in the world can people slow down so bloody much just because of a little drizzle? Are they really that afraid that the brakes don’t work that well? Or is the visibility really reduced by so damn bloody much? God. The distance that I can cover in five minutes takes me almost an hour to do so when it’s raining. My leg is numb but at least I am glad that I have an auto car. Time is precious for me now. I need to get home, eat, take my shower and source for new potential clients (everything not necessarily done in this order). I really wish to be a columnist. It seems like so much fun. I get to do the things I like to do, writing and meeting people minus the ridiculous distance that I am required to travel in my current job. I think that I should feel content for what I have. Nothing is perfect, not for me anyway. There are so many things that I did not do when it was within my control and now I guess that there is no use crying over spilt milk. All I can do is to hopefully soak up as much of the spilt milk as I can and return it into the bottle. And finally hope that the rain will make way for the starlit night sky again.

Neck tie

It has been a long time since I last posted or even checked my mail. Comments that I got for my last post was really, what can I say? I celebrated my 22nd birthday today and all was well. Woke up with a message wishing me happy birthday, then got a call, then my directors celebrated my birthday for me with a cake, single candle and no song. I was glad as everyone there were beings with testosterones. It would be all too weird. My birthday actually falls on the 14th of July in the Chinese calendar, which coincidentally is also the date for the ghost festival. My birthday pressie this year is not that abundant but the people that I got it from means a lot to me. I really enjoy the feeling of finally getting to work again. Wearing my tie, getting stuck in the morning traffic, hoping to get a good parking space, drinking my ‘teh tarik’. I feel so complete now. More complete if someone would agree to. New car, new job, I feel just so rejuvenated. You see, I will have to wake up early tomorrow morning and so I will have to sleep. Goddammit, I am so freakin tired. One more thing, it does feel good to say this, “hey, can I call you back, I am in a meeting.” Haha cheers. I promise a more complete post next time around.

Game Over?

Trust. I am learning as to how I am supposed to live without it. It was never my intention, ever, to be someone this paranoid. Paranoia was my tool for dodging the possibilities to be hurt further. I guess to some extent I can say that I have gained from all these ho-hums. Viewing matters from the spectator’s point of view, I recognize an asshole in the picture that has driven me delirious for the past month or so. It was me. I have been focusing so intensely at the whole picture that I have magnified the whole situation into such an immense proportion that it has totally swallowed me. Denying the existence of the problem seems to be a chore. Containing my feelings (disappointment, anger, sadness, disappointment, pain) seems to be a task that involves unrelenting efforts.
I just wish that things could be more direct and forthcoming for me as opposed to me piecing missing pieces together and finally getting the final picture. Finding out on your own is very painful indeed, granted that they are not welcoming news that is. Things have gone awry between some of best loved people in my life. Try as I might, I could not fight the urge to have an outburst of frustration. At home, I would have to clean things up after that. In public, I would be fined for vandalism, disruption of peace or some things like that.

Have you ever had the feeling that you feel so much that you are in the position where you are not wrong, yet somehow, someone tells you that you are the one in wrong and asks you indirectly to not act as if you are the victim? Further confrontation reveals that the particular person thinks of the person who has done something that devastated you is the victim instead. It may be true in some context, depending on how you view the whole scenario. Hahaha, things could not get more cruel than this. Most often, I will order double espresso (two shots of espresso) and this time I got a double shot alright.

Honestly, I had so much rage in me, slowly working its way up to totally delete my sanity from my brain, reformatting my rationale. Until I met that person, I could not bear to even realize that I could hold so much anger towards that person. It just seemed impossible. I felt so lost as I have lost the person that I could turn to in times of dire need for advice and consolation. I was abandoned. I was deserted. I wanted to blame that person for everything done, for all the things I had to go through and for letting me down as the person that I would never believe would let me down. I realized that I could not harbour hatred towards this person. We have been through too much together. I really wish that I could turn back time and do something to prevent this from happening. Or maybe get a genie to grant me wishes. I could never hate that person. Some say that time will heal. I bloody wish that it’s true.

Fair? Unfair?

As the sequence goes and the statistics shows, I am not much of a happy person for past few days. Maybe for the past few weeks. Maybe for the past couple of months. It really brings me down to realize that I could always start my post by stating ‘Today sucked!’. Life, for me, has changed dramatically and my perception towards people in general has taken a downslide. I am slowly evolving to be a sadist. I once even blamed myself in the most ridiculous way for allowing all these shit to happen to me. I wondered, “Is this all happening because I ignored all those chain mails that threatened to curse me if I fail to forward them to others?” I am on the verge of losing my mind. Not that serious but my heart needs replacing. To many jabs and wounds in it.
Sometimes some people would say things to make you think that what they did was right. Not wrong at least. Not one person but a few. I started to question myself as to if I was really wrong. Was I being too selfish? Was I being unfair to some? After some consideration, FUCK NO. Why is it that I was the one selfish? That I was the one being unfair? Somethings we can’t control, no doubt about that but there are consequences in everything that we do. True? Doing something that you know would hurt someone dear to you but you still chose to, choosing to ignore his/her feelings in the process. I call that selfish. I call that unfair. Fair? I am never good at arguing because I was not blessed with the ability to bombard people with speed and precision. Not being able to speak my mind does not mean that I have nothing to defend myself with. I just do not want to make the mess messier. The shit shit-tier. I once heard a wise man said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, because you will never know what you find inside,” or something along that line. I did not expect to find shit, that’s for sure.
Something really unexpected happened yesterday night. I had a dream and I woke up, I had tears in my eyes. I tried to recall what I dreamt of and it was so vivid that until now, it’s crystal clear. Maybe I think too much of it and it has found a way into my dreams. It’s not letting me go. Or is it me that is holding on to tightly? It haunts me. It’s chasing me like a mad dog with me running with a big piece of bacon dangling from my back pocket. Daunting. Like what my friend said, “I wish I could press the giant UNDO button in the sky.” It hurts just to think of that.
On a happier note, I bought a new car. That’s about as happy as this post can get. Down side to this, I may not get the color that I requested for before the price hike and that would mean that I would have to go for the second choice. Hah! What a fucking cruel world.

Reflection

The sky is especially dark tonight isn’t it? Peering out my window, all I see are trees illuminated by the adjacent streetlight. It is awfully quiet here in my room or is it just me? I wish to turn on my radio but I need more peace in my heart. Lately, I seek refuge in self denial, seek comfort in masquerading, seek answers from deep within myself. Unfortunately, even myself is not being forthright to me. Self betrayal. How cynical. My life seems so disguised right now, living behind a mask, trying to keep a balance within myself and those surrounding me. Sometimes I wish that I did not know as much as I do. Not knowing will make me doubtful and thus making me wish I know. How contradicting. Is it not human nature that we just wish to know or rather accept what is gratifying and ignore those detrimental to self? So many fears that I dare confront but why does this fear hold me back? I no longer understand myself. I try so hard to make myself appear unscathed emotionally but it’s gotten me to a point where I do not have the strength to hold it in anymore. I tried screaming. It helped before. Not this time. There is no echo in the car and thus adds to the loneliness when I vent my frustration, pain, melancholy.

I am in confinement. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. It is dark, humid and the air is thinning. I feel my heart ache, pounding faster as I gasp for the very little essence of life left in here. My lungs are collapsing, imploding as like an empty soft drink can in vacuum. I am lying down on my back. I realise that I am trapped in somewhat of a coffin. My movements are restricted and I have no strength to break free. I realise that I am slowly drowning in wretchedness. I could see the world spinning even in complete darkness. Gathering all of the strength I have left, I broke free. I celebrated my freedom with big gulps of air, only to notice that I am still in complete darkness. I feel for something to hold on to. Nothing. The darkness has no boundaries. I came to terms with the fact that I am nowhere with no one. I could see nothing. Fear held my hands. Loneliness covered me like heavy blanket.

Reflections
My stagger to the light seems fragmentary,
Weary, I continued pacing,
Dreading, knowing it’s worthwhile,
My conscience is in exile, heart in denial,
Thoughts left in grains, soul has been drained,
At least I have hope, at least hope remains.

Searching for something I lost,
Impossible to forge, because,
Feelings and sensations are real,
The moon is pale, staring at the stars above,
As if I could find, the feeling lost I call love.

Until now I stay in silence,
Until now I hear no sound,
When the time comes that I stop my search,
Is the day when love is found.

Bad Horse

There are times when we feel that we know something that we are so sure of but unable to do anything about it because it involves losing too much. The fact that makes it harder to accept is because you have never thought that it would ever happen to you. Not among the people involved at least. You feel like some of the most important things to you have actually walked a step in front, leaving you behind to wonder why you are not abreast with them anymore. Heart wrenching as it may be, you have no choice. Do you believe in karma? I have never been one that believed in fate and all because if I do, what is the point of living when everything is predestined? I would be living my life as if watching a movie adaptation from a novel that I have already read. You get to experience life, but a life that had been scripted from the very beginning. There is really too little time in life, too little places that I have been, too much to flood my mind with images and memories to allow me to escape from all the imperfections on my life’s canvas. I tried to accept the scenario that burdens me. I really did. I have always believed that the most honest thing that one can trust is their own feelings. Feelings are the most genuine reflections of what you really want, love, fear, doubt, and believe, without rationale to complicate it. Feelings are inevitable. Neither is fear. Nor pain. You wish that there was something that you could do.

Selfish. I am. Weak. I am. I chose to lash out at those unable to fight back. Since when have I become such a coward? I am at a point where I am not in control anymore. I wish so hard that there is something to guide me. I made myself look weak again. I used to live life not wanting to know what the future holds. I looked forward to every tomorrow knowing that it would be a new challenge. As of now, I really wish that there is some way that I could peek into the future. Second thought, I would chicken out. Third time I made myself look weak. The moments that I rekindled memories, the warmth and touch, I realised, no, realising is a wrong word to use, I was sure that I have lost what I felt was most precious to me. I wish that there was something I could do.

Have you ever tried staring into the sky on a really dark, cloudless night? You see stars. Stars are glimmer of hope that makes the dark sky seem not so alone. Not just a void of nothingness. A few seconds past, you realise that the stars are not that plentiful anymore. You know that they are still there. At least you wish they are. You do not see them no matter how hard you look. The longer you stare, the sky then becomes blank. You feel the serenity of the plain. Serenity soon fades. You then become enveloped in fear, loneliness, hopelessness. You wish that there was something you could do.

There is a chinese saying about ‘good horse’. I am not one. As to whether it is good or not, I sincerely do not know. I just know that I am not a good horse.

Far behind as I am, I will find my way back to walk with them again. Deter me not doubt and fear as that is something I know that I wish to do. May I be blessed with the strength, wisdom, patience and courage.