Game Over?

Trust. I am learning as to how I am supposed to live without it. It was never my intention, ever, to be someone this paranoid. Paranoia was my tool for dodging the possibilities to be hurt further. I guess to some extent I can say that I have gained from all these ho-hums. Viewing matters from the spectator’s point of view, I recognize an asshole in the picture that has driven me delirious for the past month or so. It was me. I have been focusing so intensely at the whole picture that I have magnified the whole situation into such an immense proportion that it has totally swallowed me. Denying the existence of the problem seems to be a chore. Containing my feelings (disappointment, anger, sadness, disappointment, pain) seems to be a task that involves unrelenting efforts.
I just wish that things could be more direct and forthcoming for me as opposed to me piecing missing pieces together and finally getting the final picture. Finding out on your own is very painful indeed, granted that they are not welcoming news that is. Things have gone awry between some of best loved people in my life. Try as I might, I could not fight the urge to have an outburst of frustration. At home, I would have to clean things up after that. In public, I would be fined for vandalism, disruption of peace or some things like that.

Have you ever had the feeling that you feel so much that you are in the position where you are not wrong, yet somehow, someone tells you that you are the one in wrong and asks you indirectly to not act as if you are the victim? Further confrontation reveals that the particular person thinks of the person who has done something that devastated you is the victim instead. It may be true in some context, depending on how you view the whole scenario. Hahaha, things could not get more cruel than this. Most often, I will order double espresso (two shots of espresso) and this time I got a double shot alright.

Honestly, I had so much rage in me, slowly working its way up to totally delete my sanity from my brain, reformatting my rationale. Until I met that person, I could not bear to even realize that I could hold so much anger towards that person. It just seemed impossible. I felt so lost as I have lost the person that I could turn to in times of dire need for advice and consolation. I was abandoned. I was deserted. I wanted to blame that person for everything done, for all the things I had to go through and for letting me down as the person that I would never believe would let me down. I realized that I could not harbour hatred towards this person. We have been through too much together. I really wish that I could turn back time and do something to prevent this from happening. Or maybe get a genie to grant me wishes. I could never hate that person. Some say that time will heal. I bloody wish that it’s true.