Reflection

The sky is especially dark tonight isn’t it? Peering out my window, all I see are trees illuminated by the adjacent streetlight. It is awfully quiet here in my room or is it just me? I wish to turn on my radio but I need more peace in my heart. Lately, I seek refuge in self denial, seek comfort in masquerading, seek answers from deep within myself. Unfortunately, even myself is not being forthright to me. Self betrayal. How cynical. My life seems so disguised right now, living behind a mask, trying to keep a balance within myself and those surrounding me. Sometimes I wish that I did not know as much as I do. Not knowing will make me doubtful and thus making me wish I know. How contradicting. Is it not human nature that we just wish to know or rather accept what is gratifying and ignore those detrimental to self? So many fears that I dare confront but why does this fear hold me back? I no longer understand myself. I try so hard to make myself appear unscathed emotionally but it’s gotten me to a point where I do not have the strength to hold it in anymore. I tried screaming. It helped before. Not this time. There is no echo in the car and thus adds to the loneliness when I vent my frustration, pain, melancholy.

I am in confinement. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. It is dark, humid and the air is thinning. I feel my heart ache, pounding faster as I gasp for the very little essence of life left in here. My lungs are collapsing, imploding as like an empty soft drink can in vacuum. I am lying down on my back. I realise that I am trapped in somewhat of a coffin. My movements are restricted and I have no strength to break free. I realise that I am slowly drowning in wretchedness. I could see the world spinning even in complete darkness. Gathering all of the strength I have left, I broke free. I celebrated my freedom with big gulps of air, only to notice that I am still in complete darkness. I feel for something to hold on to. Nothing. The darkness has no boundaries. I came to terms with the fact that I am nowhere with no one. I could see nothing. Fear held my hands. Loneliness covered me like heavy blanket.

Reflections
My stagger to the light seems fragmentary,
Weary, I continued pacing,
Dreading, knowing it’s worthwhile,
My conscience is in exile, heart in denial,
Thoughts left in grains, soul has been drained,
At least I have hope, at least hope remains.

Searching for something I lost,
Impossible to forge, because,
Feelings and sensations are real,
The moon is pale, staring at the stars above,
As if I could find, the feeling lost I call love.

Until now I stay in silence,
Until now I hear no sound,
When the time comes that I stop my search,
Is the day when love is found.