Shoebox

Today has been a lousy day for me as I woke up with a sore throat, flu, slight fever and my body was aching all over due to previous futsal match. Makes me feel as if I was physically fragile, and that felt out of place as I have always thought of myself as someone strong. Wrong as I was, that fact I have to admit. I received a reply from starlight cinema regarding a job application today and there was a list questions that I had to answer before 6 pm tomorrow. Sigh, I could barely walk straight let alone answer questions that would determine my future possibilities of getting a salary again. (I am really running dry on cash). I am feeling better already, not in terms of my sickness but emotionally. Things have taken a turn for the better with the company of my friends and their constant attentions. It really does make me feel as if I am not alone. For that, I am grateful. Names are not necessary, the important thing is, I know who you guys are and thank you.

I came home tonight after attending my cousins' birthday dinner somewhere near Bukit Bintang in a restaurant called Four Seasons. I have been there many times and each and every time, I would enjoy it as we always book a room and there would be karaoke. I must admit that I am not that good a singer but it is something that I really love doing. Singing today proves to be more challenging than usual as I have sore throat, flu, blocked nose, so you can guess how I would sound like. It would be something like a cow getting a stroke attack and trying to gasp for air. Upon reaching home, I had the sudden urge to just rekindle old memories, so I took out my shoe box. In that shoe box, I kept all the things that really meant something to me, from all the people that were or I would even say, are special to me. On the top, there were a few letters and cards that someone once gave me. I read each and every one of it. From happy moments to moments that could only be described by the word devastating. I smiled. I cried. I did not know that I could be someone so cruel. What was it that blinded me from all my conscience? What was it that shadowed my emotions? What was it that turned my blood cold? I read the letters and it really did pierce my heart. I felt all the pain that I never felt when I read it previously. Does it mean that I am more human now? Far from it. The damage has been done and I can never undo the pain and sufferings that I have caused. I have never felt like this before. Why did I not feel like this before? Everytime I think of the person that I did this to, guilt envelopes me whole and I feel ashamed of myself and my actions. Lately, I really try to make that person feel that I do care and that I really am the person she once knew and not the animal I turned into. It is not that I want anything in return but just forgiveness. I really can't believe it. How could I even say such things to hurt someone, do such things to make someone cry, and not even care? If that someone is reading this, I would really, very sincerely, like to say that I am sorry.