Bad Horse

There are times when we feel that we know something that we are so sure of but unable to do anything about it because it involves losing too much. The fact that makes it harder to accept is because you have never thought that it would ever happen to you. Not among the people involved at least. You feel like some of the most important things to you have actually walked a step in front, leaving you behind to wonder why you are not abreast with them anymore. Heart wrenching as it may be, you have no choice. Do you believe in karma? I have never been one that believed in fate and all because if I do, what is the point of living when everything is predestined? I would be living my life as if watching a movie adaptation from a novel that I have already read. You get to experience life, but a life that had been scripted from the very beginning. There is really too little time in life, too little places that I have been, too much to flood my mind with images and memories to allow me to escape from all the imperfections on my life’s canvas. I tried to accept the scenario that burdens me. I really did. I have always believed that the most honest thing that one can trust is their own feelings. Feelings are the most genuine reflections of what you really want, love, fear, doubt, and believe, without rationale to complicate it. Feelings are inevitable. Neither is fear. Nor pain. You wish that there was something that you could do.

Selfish. I am. Weak. I am. I chose to lash out at those unable to fight back. Since when have I become such a coward? I am at a point where I am not in control anymore. I wish so hard that there is something to guide me. I made myself look weak again. I used to live life not wanting to know what the future holds. I looked forward to every tomorrow knowing that it would be a new challenge. As of now, I really wish that there is some way that I could peek into the future. Second thought, I would chicken out. Third time I made myself look weak. The moments that I rekindled memories, the warmth and touch, I realised, no, realising is a wrong word to use, I was sure that I have lost what I felt was most precious to me. I wish that there was something I could do.

Have you ever tried staring into the sky on a really dark, cloudless night? You see stars. Stars are glimmer of hope that makes the dark sky seem not so alone. Not just a void of nothingness. A few seconds past, you realise that the stars are not that plentiful anymore. You know that they are still there. At least you wish they are. You do not see them no matter how hard you look. The longer you stare, the sky then becomes blank. You feel the serenity of the plain. Serenity soon fades. You then become enveloped in fear, loneliness, hopelessness. You wish that there was something you could do.

There is a chinese saying about ‘good horse’. I am not one. As to whether it is good or not, I sincerely do not know. I just know that I am not a good horse.

Far behind as I am, I will find my way back to walk with them again. Deter me not doubt and fear as that is something I know that I wish to do. May I be blessed with the strength, wisdom, patience and courage.