I could've killed...

I have never felt so afraid of myself. I am literally afraid of what I can and want to do in the face of adversity. Two nights ago, I wanted to kill. If I was alone in my car, I might already have. Many people told me about my lack of control over my temper and I do start to agree. I find it hard to believe that I am so far from whom I once was, the person with little temper or fury. I really wish to find out what happened to myself. I am losing control and that is never a good thing.

Let me tell you guys a story that happened two nights ago that not only made me afraid and paranoid of motorcyclist but instead, made me even more afraid of myself. Here goes.

After the launch of the ODM watch party in Zouk, I fetched Vicky back to her place and as we were driving, we were talking about ourselves, past and present. Conversation was not over yet when my car stopped in front of her place and so I decided to stop across the street and park in front of a row of shops, a row of very well lit shops. We sat and chat. Her back facing my dashboard and I stayed put facing the steering wheel. Four people on two motorcycles went pass us and I did not think much of it and after a few moments, Vicky turned to me and said something in the context of “Do not lend it to them”. I was a little lost as it was totally out of context and she was looking straight out my side window. I looked and was rather taken aback that there were two malay guys on a bike right beside me and the assigned rider reached over and tried to open my door. Driving a car with automatic transmission, I shifted the gear to D and stepped on the accelerator and sped off and that was before the pillion rider managed to take a swing at my side door. My assumption is that he wanted to smash my window to gain access to my car. At a safe distance of approximately 200 meters away, I looked at my rear view mirror and saw them staying where I left them. Vicky told me that they made a hand sign of a lighter, as if asking me to lend them one, thus her out-of-context comment. It was then I lost it. And by losing it, I meant I wanted them to die. I took a turn and headed in the opposite direction which means that I was going towards them. Pissed off and frustrated is an understatement and it was then that I wanted to end their life. I have never believed that two fuckers on a bike can survive if my Scarlett knocks them down with considerable speed. I wanted to so bad and I lost all sense of judgment and all I wanted to see was two corpses lying on the floor. Better still, the two guys half dead and I can fucking break their fucking knees with fucking bricks. Better still, their other two friends who might have wanted to try and defend them being in the same position. I sped and that was when Vicky got afraid and held on to me pleading me not to do stupid things. Having the responsibility for her safety, I decided to forgo the plan. I was considerably pissed. She was trembling and trying my best to comfort her, I could not get the image of those two fuckers out of my mind. Driving on, stopping at a traffic light with a few other cars, I saw the two bikes with their lights off in front of me and not wanting to make Vicky worry, I silently stepped on it and wanted to see them fall and skid. They noticed and they took a turn thus ending my chase. I really wanted to bump into them again and so I drove around the neighbourhood but to no avail. Finally, I sent Vicky home and then headed home, always wanting to see them again. Scarlett is scarred. It was this incident that made me realize that I really need to re-evaluate myself. I am afraid of myself. I am sure that with this, others will be afraid of me too. I wanted to kill and this might be the first time I have had this feeling. One of the first at least.

I did not kill and I am fucking glad. What would I have lost if I did? Everything.

But secretly, I wish for them to die. I wish for them to be run over by a lorry. I wish for them to lie on the road bleeding, gasping for air and everything around them turns dark, before another lorry runs over their heads. And a dog peeing on what is left of them, just for laughs.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

It's the time of year again when people dress up in red and go around town shouting "MERRY CHRISTMAS" when the clock strikes twelve exactly on the 25th of December and I suspect that this year is the same as it would be for many more to come. People now prefer to take it to the streets where they will spray passer-bys with their obnoxious cans of cancer inducing, retard inflicting and balls rotting 'fake conffettis or snow or whatever'. They like to redecorate cars, showcasing their talents in graffiti using those cans of 'stuff' and making life great for car-owners as their cars have turned from plain to 'themed'.

I don't even know what the hell I am going on about but MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

This will be a fucking random post...

And I fucking mean it. I just need to get it off my chest. I just need to. Sigh... I have no idea what I wanna whine and bitch about so I will just tell you short experiences as I go. I just need to feel as if there is someone that I can talk to, that there is someone that I can have something to express my feelings.

- Dear Ice-cream man, SHOVE THAT POPSICLE UP YOUR ASS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. It has been a long time since I had ice-cream and thus this line is not directed at any specific ice-cream man.

- After breakfast today while walking to my car, I saw a 20cents coin lying on the floor. There is a chinese saying which goes something like (loosely translated) "Getting a fortune from the ground, You will get nothing even if you ask heaven and earth". It means that you are lucky to have gathered fortune from the ground and thus have good luck. I left it lying beside my car's front tyre. For all you know, that 20cents might have fallen out from my car. Fuck... I will be having bad luck... hehehe SUCK MY BALLS YOU FUCKERS WHO... INFLUENCE PEOPLE'S LUCK.

- I just got an invitation to Atrium on the 20th of this month from Vmag. Located in Asian Heritage Row, it means that I will definitely be fucked if I drink as the exits are always plagued with roadblocks. FUCK YOU BASTARDS IN HELMETS WHO SET UP ROADBLOCKS. But thanks for accepting bribes.

- My colleague sitting to my right handed me a copy of chinese magazine called SISTERS... I wish it was Penthouse or Playboy or Hustler instead. My colleague sitting behind me is fucking someone up through the phone... way to go girl. FUCK YOU THAT PERSON HIDING INSIDE THE PHONE AND TALKING, MAKING ME THINK THAT EVERY PHONE CALL IS ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH CABLES UNDERGROUND OR TRANSMITTED VIA SATELLITE.

- I went to KLCC yesterday night to collect 2 altered EVISU jeans and the fucker just asked if I was Charles and when I said yes, he just handed them to me without having me produce any receipts or identification. Idiot. FUCK YOU FOR BEING A STUPID MORON DUMBASS BITCH BUT COURTEOUS AND WELL MANNERED GUY.

- As I was driving to work, I realised that the traffic was unbelievably smooth, unbelievable as in the existence of a smart George W. Bush, the existence of a pink anaconda with purple polka dots prints with 13 heads and 23 tails, the exintence of smart investment plan by the Maraysian government, the existence of someone who loves me for who I am, the existence of girls without temper and admit to doing wrongs when they did, the existence of good government servants kind of unbelievable. Then I realised that Selangor is having a holiday. FUCK MARAYSIA FOR NOT GIVING K.L A HOLIDAY ALSO DAMN IT FUCKERS WHO ARE UNBELIEVABLY UNFAIR.

- As I approach the last traffic light before turning to my office, the car in front of me stopped in the middle of the road and dropped off her friend. That was not the end of it because they stayed at where they were, with the passenger out the door and the driver looking like a whore, chatting while I was, although the only car, behind her waiting. I waited for a while (15 seconds) before I got impatient and sounded my horn, soft enough to reflect myself being cultured but loud enough to send the message that she was a dumbassbitchcrackwhorecocksuckerasslickerteabagged
gangrapedpubliclygropedheadsmashedonthebasin who should get the fuck out of my way. Her friend cast an unfriendly look at me which I could only politely accept and stare back at her with my not so happy look and if she could lip read, she would have got a message in the form of me saying "chee bye". Then as if scolding me, she walked off and her friend drove off but not before showing me the fucking finger through the window of her pathetic white kancil. I took it all in good stride when I miss my turn and drove up to her and as she drove straight while I took a left, I conveniently found a can of Yeo's green tea in my car and it just magically broke her left tail light. I drove off to another day of work. Funny thing is, she was wearing a tudung and I thought she was supposed to be holy. HAHA WHAT A PRICE TO PAY FOR SHOWING THE FINGER TO A GENTLEMAN DUMB BITCH.

- I do think that I have a problem controlling my temper. So guys, those who were offended my one of my previous post, I apologise. I realise that my temper is bad so if possible, please give me moments to rest and do not aggravate me until I can let you call me fat without me having the thought of fucking smashing your head against the fucking road and drag you face down until the unevenness of the tar road scraped off all the skin from your face. Thank you for understanding.

- I think that today is just going to get better. I hate lady drivers who shows me their middle finger thinking they are some big shot. They are only opening up an opportunity for me to make them cry. Unless they are like Cindy, then I will be too afraid to mess with her but if not, please don't, I repeat, don't fuck with me.

- I shat yesterday and my shit was green. Not in a shade of green but literally green like brocolli. Damn.

Dear Diary

Dear Blog,

I would like to thank you for being a good listener. There is something else that I want to tell you and please pay attention. 2006 is coming to an end and this means that I will be turning 24 very soon and being 24 is close to being 25 which someone once told me is being in the mid-20s. I find this fact rather disturbing as I am growing older, I am not getting my priorities right. For example, I need to shit so badly now but I am wasting time pretending that I have something to type just to look productive... after all, it is a working Saturday.

Well, the time has come to make a decision but the thing is as I type, I could have easily walked to the toilet, unbutton my jeans and then start doing what I do best which is to crap. This, of course fits the context whether I meant it literally or metaphorically. I could very well be holding a cigarette in my hands and the shit hanging from my asshole right now but I choose to procrastinate. Why? I have no fucking idea. Maybe I enjoy the cold air-conditioning in the office which, to a certain point, torments me immensely as the colder I feel, the more my shit wants to break out from captivity.

Anyway, let me tell you guys a story that once made me laugh like an idiot. And don't ask me why I am doing this and why I feel the story is funny eventhough many heard it and looked at me with awe, thinking that I must be some kind of retard to even find the story remotely humourous. Maybe my sense of humour is failing me. Maybe it is just getting out of control. I need to shit so badly now. I am sorry I digressed. Moving on to my story...

Once upon a time, in a beautiful land called Maraysia, there lived many people in many houses. Some big, some small, some yellow, some blue, some round, some square. Then one day, the Prime Minister of the country scoffed at the previous Prime Minister, saying that he wasted so much money, bringing the country's reserve down. Maybe he was right. The ex-PM spent so much money building the twin towers which is only the tallest building in the whole of the entire of the modern day world during his reign. He also built a F1 track which is only a racing track where racers from many prestigious teams and different countries will come to race and thus making this land called Maraysia known to many. He invested a lot of money into SMEs (Small Medium Enterprise) which has no use except for creating more jobs thus incresing the spending power which in turn will generate a more rapid flow in the economy which will only create more demand for products which will then create more job opportunities which will again encourage more spending which basically means the economy will move and grow. The current Prime Minister of Maraysia has bigger visions. He is sending two people into space on board other people's rocket so that they can make teh tarik and play batu seremban there. That is what I call a worthy investment. He also planned to build a sports facility in the U.K so that the atheletes will get used to fighting for their country in cold weather which is such a noble idea. You never know, they might start having the Olympics or Commonwealth games or ASEAN games or whatever games during winter. It is always better to be prepared as we will then have the upper hand and advantage compared to countries which do not have sport facilities in countries with cold weather. Let's see how Pakistan will win Maraysia in hockey this time. The atheletes will then be the best in the world. Thinking of that makes me want to be a Maraysian. They do not have agendas regarding differences in races as none of the people in the Parliament are racists. In a place called Kerantan, religion plays an important role where people are not allowed to dress sexily and by sexily I mean no body hugging tops and tight jeans, pants or skirts which will eccentuate the shape of women's rear. No cleavage shall be shown and no tops revealing the navel. Talk about smart and innovative implementation of rules and creative introduction of legislations. Sorry, I digressed once again... now moving on to my joke:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because Sammi Veru built a highway eventhough the construction caused damages to the houses nearby and ignored the complaints made by the unreasonable residents of houses with cracked walls.

Charles has been promoted

Nope, Charles have not been promoted to be the CEO of any particular company although he can be considered the Director, Manager, Assistant Manager, Senior Executive, Executive, Clerk and despatch for the Marketing and Advertising Promotions Department as he is the only one there. Things have been bad for him lately and something his friends said gave him great concern of who he is or in fact, who he is turning into.

Charles' temper has never been an issue for him, that is until lately when many things happened due to this natural phenomenon that we all take for granted and rarely notice the changes that occur called 'Temper'. Charles have always been someone who is mild-tempered and even though it can be good up to a certain extent, the fury builds and when it is unleashed, it will be a collective of all the anger, unhappinness, hatred, etc all lashed out at a single person and that person will not be a happy person. As Charles ages, so did his lack of control over his temper and he is beginning to lose it. Friends who are close to him told me that he has been very easily aggravated and extremely sensitive lately. Charles really wanted to know if it was him who changed or is it because everyone around him have been so accustomed to him being nice and all and thus take advantage or take his patience for granted. Not many people have seen Charles lose his temper and I guess fewer have seen him lost it completely.

He does not know what is coming over him, maybe he is just tired of being pushed around and after such a long time, things will take its toll and he will eventually be too tired to tolerate everything thrown at him. Charles do not believe that his temper is really all that bad. He does not even believe that many can take all those shits thrown to them like how he could. COULD. Sarcasm has taken its toll on Charles, so did paranoia and so did trust in general.

People are just not used to the Charles who is not keeping everything in. They expect Charles to swallow everything thrown at him with a smile and just laugh it off in the end. So many things happened that jokes were made at the expense of his ego and self-belief. YOU PEOPLE BELITTLE HIM and still say that his temper is bad? Haha maybe you guys are right cos right at this moment, Charles feels like throwing his fucking laptop on the floor and fucking jump on it but that would contribute to the fact that he has a bad temper would it not?

Charles is now therefore officially labelled as someone who has a bad temper and would bitch about everything that moves, breathes and is colour-blind. You know what, I am beginning to agree to what everyone is saying... Charles is a bad tempered bitch. Oh well, too bad for him. Let's all ditch that ill-tempered asshole and go for a beer.

Signing of with a smile, love and apologies to everyone that have felt the drift of his temper brushing past their delicate face.

p/s: Charles would like to thank everyone who pointed out his weakness and promises to wear a mask and become who he is not, but rather, someone people expects him to be.

p/s 2: Charles is doing this as a joke. HAHA x 1,000,000,000,000

p/s 3: Now out in the market with a beautiful console and wicked games. I am just speculating.