I could've killed...

I have never felt so afraid of myself. I am literally afraid of what I can and want to do in the face of adversity. Two nights ago, I wanted to kill. If I was alone in my car, I might already have. Many people told me about my lack of control over my temper and I do start to agree. I find it hard to believe that I am so far from whom I once was, the person with little temper or fury. I really wish to find out what happened to myself. I am losing control and that is never a good thing.

Let me tell you guys a story that happened two nights ago that not only made me afraid and paranoid of motorcyclist but instead, made me even more afraid of myself. Here goes.

After the launch of the ODM watch party in Zouk, I fetched Vicky back to her place and as we were driving, we were talking about ourselves, past and present. Conversation was not over yet when my car stopped in front of her place and so I decided to stop across the street and park in front of a row of shops, a row of very well lit shops. We sat and chat. Her back facing my dashboard and I stayed put facing the steering wheel. Four people on two motorcycles went pass us and I did not think much of it and after a few moments, Vicky turned to me and said something in the context of “Do not lend it to them”. I was a little lost as it was totally out of context and she was looking straight out my side window. I looked and was rather taken aback that there were two malay guys on a bike right beside me and the assigned rider reached over and tried to open my door. Driving a car with automatic transmission, I shifted the gear to D and stepped on the accelerator and sped off and that was before the pillion rider managed to take a swing at my side door. My assumption is that he wanted to smash my window to gain access to my car. At a safe distance of approximately 200 meters away, I looked at my rear view mirror and saw them staying where I left them. Vicky told me that they made a hand sign of a lighter, as if asking me to lend them one, thus her out-of-context comment. It was then I lost it. And by losing it, I meant I wanted them to die. I took a turn and headed in the opposite direction which means that I was going towards them. Pissed off and frustrated is an understatement and it was then that I wanted to end their life. I have never believed that two fuckers on a bike can survive if my Scarlett knocks them down with considerable speed. I wanted to so bad and I lost all sense of judgment and all I wanted to see was two corpses lying on the floor. Better still, the two guys half dead and I can fucking break their fucking knees with fucking bricks. Better still, their other two friends who might have wanted to try and defend them being in the same position. I sped and that was when Vicky got afraid and held on to me pleading me not to do stupid things. Having the responsibility for her safety, I decided to forgo the plan. I was considerably pissed. She was trembling and trying my best to comfort her, I could not get the image of those two fuckers out of my mind. Driving on, stopping at a traffic light with a few other cars, I saw the two bikes with their lights off in front of me and not wanting to make Vicky worry, I silently stepped on it and wanted to see them fall and skid. They noticed and they took a turn thus ending my chase. I really wanted to bump into them again and so I drove around the neighbourhood but to no avail. Finally, I sent Vicky home and then headed home, always wanting to see them again. Scarlett is scarred. It was this incident that made me realize that I really need to re-evaluate myself. I am afraid of myself. I am sure that with this, others will be afraid of me too. I wanted to kill and this might be the first time I have had this feeling. One of the first at least.

I did not kill and I am fucking glad. What would I have lost if I did? Everything.

But secretly, I wish for them to die. I wish for them to be run over by a lorry. I wish for them to lie on the road bleeding, gasping for air and everything around them turns dark, before another lorry runs over their heads. And a dog peeing on what is left of them, just for laughs.