wealth

There are many lessons that one can learn in life and I had the privilege of gaining such valuable knowledge today. I went for another interview this afternoon and this time, everything went smoothly. Time, 2.30 pm 29th July 2005. Place, SS25. The interviewer was a friendly Chinese man in his 30s. He greeted me with an enthusiastic smile and I thought to myself, “This time, I am sure things will work out just great.” He proceeded into asking me a little about my background and as every interview, you would have to fill in a form before the interview is to be conducted. He then asked me what my business my father was into, as every other interviewer before this did. I told him. He looked at me with a puzzled expression. I wondered to myself, “What this time?”

Interviewer : Then I suppose that you come from a wealthy family?

Me : I would say that my family does alright.

Interviewer : Why is it that you are here?

Me : I am here to apply for a job, to learn new things.

Interviewer : Your dad has a successful business. Why are you not working for him?

Me : I wanted to try to work things out on my own. Furthermore, there is not much of a chance for me to grow as I would not be able to learn much. Reason I say that is because no one will dare to tell me if I have done things wrongly. Besides my dad, no one will dare to tell me off and I don’t think that I will be able to gain much experience in the business world. It is very disadvantageous to me. I know that I will work there one day but I want to go in only when I am prepared. Haha, many people did ask me this question before.

Interviewer: I just don’t understand that’s all. Let me give you an advice.

Me : Ok.

Interviewer: Next time when someone ask you about your dad’s business, do not be so honest. The reason I say this is because, knowing that you come from a wealthy family, employer will think twice before hiring you. They tend to think that kong chi (prince) like you would not be determined to work. Siu yeh (young master) like you will be spoilt and will not be able to take any pressure.

Me : I do not see how that me coming from a quite well to do family could be a factor in this.

Interviewer: Tell me, how many interviews have you been to?

It was then I realize the ugly truth that what he said did make sense. I view myself as someone articulate and I believe I am able to charm my way into many things if I wanted to. Maybe that was an overstatement but the thing is, I could be convincing if I wanted to be. Why do interviewers ask that question? Does it even matter?
Stereotyping. That is something that I often do but when I am viewed as someone who is unwilling to learn, to work, to progress, I feel the need to defend myself. I am someone very motivated if I choose to be. I do not view myself as someone wealthy because I know of many friends who are far far wealthier than me. Houses like castles. Cars that could buy many cars. I am just an average Joe. I stand in the middle of the pyramid. Maybe just a step higher but I am not one of the minority who could afford to buy expensive cars without even thinking of the zero second hand value. I am still just a guy, who wants to learn, wants to have a career and in desperate need of cash. My wallet is seriously running dry. I only need a chance to prove my worth. Give me a chance and I will not disappoint.

Is wealth really the measure of one’s personality? Personally, I do not believe so. Sure enough there are those extremely rich people who are full of themselves and there are also those not so privileged who look down on themselves because they feel insecure. Just this afternoon after my interview, I sat in a coffee shop to have a drink and along came this guy selling ‘Gel Pen’. He kept blabbering on and on about the pen and so I took it and tried it. There was no difference from the normal ink pen that we use so I just chuckled and said “No thanks,” and gave it back to him. He just took it back and said, “ It is alright, people from poor family like me who did not study much would have to do this kind of job. We get ridiculed often and so we are used to it.” What the hell was that? I felt so insulted that he assumed that I looked down on him because of his profession. Maybe he said that because I chuckled. It was because he was talking and smiling all the while an so I just wanted to be friendly. He is earning an honest living and I respect that. There are rubbish who comes to you to collect money after you park your car to ensure that no one (themselves) scratches your car. Those people I curse them to hell. Wealth is measured beyond the properties that you own. Wealth is the love that you have, the friends by your side. There is something that I truly believe in, with confidence, you do not need any Gucci or Armani to look a million bucks.

Shoebox

Today has been a lousy day for me as I woke up with a sore throat, flu, slight fever and my body was aching all over due to previous futsal match. Makes me feel as if I was physically fragile, and that felt out of place as I have always thought of myself as someone strong. Wrong as I was, that fact I have to admit. I received a reply from starlight cinema regarding a job application today and there was a list questions that I had to answer before 6 pm tomorrow. Sigh, I could barely walk straight let alone answer questions that would determine my future possibilities of getting a salary again. (I am really running dry on cash). I am feeling better already, not in terms of my sickness but emotionally. Things have taken a turn for the better with the company of my friends and their constant attentions. It really does make me feel as if I am not alone. For that, I am grateful. Names are not necessary, the important thing is, I know who you guys are and thank you.

I came home tonight after attending my cousins' birthday dinner somewhere near Bukit Bintang in a restaurant called Four Seasons. I have been there many times and each and every time, I would enjoy it as we always book a room and there would be karaoke. I must admit that I am not that good a singer but it is something that I really love doing. Singing today proves to be more challenging than usual as I have sore throat, flu, blocked nose, so you can guess how I would sound like. It would be something like a cow getting a stroke attack and trying to gasp for air. Upon reaching home, I had the sudden urge to just rekindle old memories, so I took out my shoe box. In that shoe box, I kept all the things that really meant something to me, from all the people that were or I would even say, are special to me. On the top, there were a few letters and cards that someone once gave me. I read each and every one of it. From happy moments to moments that could only be described by the word devastating. I smiled. I cried. I did not know that I could be someone so cruel. What was it that blinded me from all my conscience? What was it that shadowed my emotions? What was it that turned my blood cold? I read the letters and it really did pierce my heart. I felt all the pain that I never felt when I read it previously. Does it mean that I am more human now? Far from it. The damage has been done and I can never undo the pain and sufferings that I have caused. I have never felt like this before. Why did I not feel like this before? Everytime I think of the person that I did this to, guilt envelopes me whole and I feel ashamed of myself and my actions. Lately, I really try to make that person feel that I do care and that I really am the person she once knew and not the animal I turned into. It is not that I want anything in return but just forgiveness. I really can't believe it. How could I even say such things to hurt someone, do such things to make someone cry, and not even care? If that someone is reading this, I would really, very sincerely, like to say that I am sorry.

Defeat

It seems that judgment day has set its foot on me. Strong as I thought I was, it could not have been further from the truth. The sudden change brought me to a place, a state of mind where everything turned dark, as if someone blew out the candle in a large empty warehouse. There is nothing that you can see, nothing you can hear but your own heartbeat. Even your heartbeat seems to have slowed down to a rate where you feel that you are no longer alive. Everything just turns so silent, dark, still; nothing surrounds you, just emptiness. Void. I realize that at this point of time, the struggle is over. There is just no reason for me to continue fighting, it is a losing battle. No, it is not. It is a battle that I have lost. I feel weak. Maybe I am disoriented. Maybe it is the diet. I don’t really know.

It is as if I could hear someone celebrate the victory of his conquest right outside my door. Fireworks here and there. Cheers. Songs and dance. But I am not apart of it. I do not know how I truly feel now. Combination of fatigue, constant hunger and these pain, it is getting me disillusioned. I need to regain composure, revive my confidence and rediscover myself. I wish myself good luck.

funny interview

Set my alarm at 8.30 this morning, hoping to wake up early, give a morning call, take a shower and get ready for my interview. It must have been one of my most interesting one. Let me share the experience.

Receptionist: Mr. Charles, please proceed to the second room on the right.
Me: Thanks.
(Enters room)
Me: Hi! Good afternoon, I'm Charles. How are you doing?
Interviewer: I'm fine. Have a seat.
(Shakes hand, pull out chair and took a seat)
(Talks about my experience in Australia and my previous job)
(Interviewer looks very cocky, arms folded, leaned back and facial expression as if someone took a 12 inch brinjal and stuffed it up his arse)
Interviewer: So tell me Charles, what is the craziest thing that you have ever done?
Me: What? Hmmm, I have bungeed jump and also did white water rafting before.
Interviewer: Ohh, really? That's not that crazy. I have done bungee jump as well, but while riding a bicycle.
Me: Umm... Ok.
(I was getting frustrated since I was not in a good mood all along)
Interviewer: tell me about your greatest achievement.
Me: I beat a few million sperms to be born.
Interviewer: Oh, very smart.
Me: Yeah, I am.
Interviewer: You are a smart alec huh?
Me: Yup.
Interviewer: I see that you are brave.
Me: I have a lot of guts.
Interviewer: Now tell me the stupidest thing that you have done.
Me: Ok, sitting here and let you bombard me with these questions.
Interviewer: (pissed) We have a training session next week, we weill give you a call.
Me: Yeah sure. Thanks. Bye.

Well, I think that I won't be receiving a call from them but I think that sometimes, people tend to think that they are far more superior because they tend to be the one who decides as to whether you make it or not. Even if they are not in charge of deciding, they do play a big role in it. I think that those people who misuse their authority should be shot and fed to the most undeserving dogs which has far too much rubbish to scavage. Sigh... I have been having a bad day, a bad week maybe. Just hope that everything would be fine soon.

There are some friends whom you think is close to you and although you never really keep in contact much, you still make the effort once in a while to call him out for lunch. What if you find out one day that he thinks of you as someone not that close but always told you that you are one of his best friend? Feels like shit don't you reckon? Sigh. It just hits you hard in the face.
Someone who calls you bro... the very sound of it makes you wanna throw up.

I left off with my friend yesterday night for a drink, a game of snooker, another round of mamak, then one game in the cyber cafe, and today, I will be continuing my post. Today may be the worse day of everything that I have bitched and whined about. Everything that I have done has come to a halt, not necessarily a dead end... but a halt. I think that it may be a good thing because I get some room to clear my head of all those rubbish that has been clouding my judgment, also to give the other party some air to breathe. I actually feel more relaxed. Weird, I should be afraid but I am not. I feel like I needed this. I need to rejuvenate, to re-evaluate and reprive my role as a son, a friend and also, as someone who cares and feel for an individual. I really feel like I have been pushing her to the edge and honestly, it feels like shit. Sigh... how inconsiderate, insensitive and un-charles-ish. Sometimes doing more than necessary in unnecessary but who decides as to how far necessary is? Human beings have been created to be too complex. They are afraid, sad, happy, doubtful and worry about something that may turn out to be nothing at all. But maybe that is just the defense mechanism that we get through evolution from our stone age ancestors. Development and advancement does come at a price and we seem more than willing to pay. I have a friend who is going through something similar like me and I am glad that there is someone who acts more like an asshole compared to me. Now I know that I am not the number one jerk in this situation. Haha. Special thanks is in due for those special few who lifted my spirit just by being my company. Thanks and appreciate it.

sorry

First and foremost, I would just like to say that I am sorry for the last post. It was inconsiderate and also very unthoughtful for those who felt bad reading it. I am now sitting in my room, the sound of traffic behind my apartment is most frustrating, the weather is cold, air is fresh after a downpour, sky is gloomy and it just seems like all the light has faded away. Listening to "Untitled" by Simple Plan only dampens my spirit more. Sometimes I feel that life and irony comes hand in hand. That song was one of my favourite songs and I always felt that it was a fun song to listen to.... until recently. I really felt how much the character in the song was feeling, so bitter and so much frustration. Funnier thing, my playlist is on random and the song playing now, "My baby you" by Marc Anthony. Have you ever felt that sometimes your life is playing a very cruel practical joke on you? You try hard for something, realising that if you go on being too aggressive, you lose out but if you take things easy, you lose out as well. Where is the equilibrium? Makes you feel like a bird braving strong winds, you flap hard and you go foward a few inches but if you stop, you will be blown away. Sad isn't it? Ok, I really feel that the songs playing in my list is getting creepy. I will now state every song that is being played, this one is by Jay Chou, "Kai bu liao Kou" which means unable to express.

You know, sometimes we do feel like we are doing all the right things, saying all the right words, pulling all the right strings but all at the wrong time. ( Leo Ku, Ngoi Yu Seng). Obviously, hard as you try, things does not go your way. You have, through all those times, paved the road, built the bridges and installed pillars to make it easier to reach your goal but because you did all that at the wrong time, you can't seem to reach there. Someone then comes along, walks towards your point of destination, able to catch up with you because everything was prepared for him. All he had to do was stroll along. Unfair isn't it? Well, that's life. (David Tao, Ai Wo Hai Shi Ta: Do you love me or him?) (Utada Hikaru: First Love). One thing I am glad that I know is that once I decide on something, I just look straight and go for it. The road ahead is winding and bumpy, turning you head back will only cause you to go off track and maybe even fall. Think that we should all concentrate on the path ahead, just hope that the further you go, the road is more even and easier to brave. (Celest Chong: Yuen Liang - Forgive). I have learned to understand that people won't feel sad for you if you are sad. I am glad that at least there are some who feel for me, not that I want their sympathy but it just feels great that someone actually cares. (Unknown: Chut Mai - Betray). I am really beginning to feel that life's irony has taken another step forward at me with all the songs being played. I have so many genres of songs in my laptop but, it is just scary. I just received a call from a friend. Is he really a friend.

a post past due

So many things happened in the past week up until yesterday and there was supposed to be a post before this but GODDAMN streamyx that the line got disconnected when I just clicked on the publish button and they sent me to an error page, refreshing it later, everything was gone. I was somehow glad that the post did not get through as for a few reasons:

1) Parental Advisory would be needed as it would be rated 18 SX, SG....etc.
2) It would hurt many people for the stupid reasons that I would want to vent my anger.
3) True friends would be insulted.
4) The idea of honesty and truthfulness in friendships being a superstition or dogma would be viewed as taboo by many.

For some apparrent reasons, I failed to get a good night sleep for a few nights. Sigh. No use to continue whining and bitching about this shit. Like what my friend always say, "Be a man, Dp the right thing"

Really have no mood to continue this shit... will post again once I feel better, soon I hope.