Valentine's Day and the Car Door

It's that time of the year again when that small little fry with his little wings and his tiny bow and arrow start to shoot people with his love filled heart shaped arrow-heads. That small fry is the Cupid that we see so much in comics and cartoons and from watching the Hercules series last time, I learnt that he is the son of the goddess of love Aphrodite, pronounced as Afro-Die-D. That arrow that he fires usually come with a great price tag and has the ability to burn many many things. Burn past hatreds, bad memories and a fucking gigantic hole in your Gucci wallet. The reason why we celebrate Valentine's day is just to justify to the other party that during Valentine's this year, he or she has been chosen to be the special one and in turn hope that he or she will be the one you celebrate with every year. In my thorough research, Valentine's day is actually created by someone called Santa Claus and he used to be a florist and he thought to himself one fine day, "How the hell am I going to try and rip off those suckers to buy my flowers at at least ten times the price? Ah ha, I know, I will create a day to celebrate love. Those who does not celebrate it will be seen as un-romantic fuckers and will get bitch slaps and maybe get dumped." Now that we know whose fault it is, I suggest that we abolish this stupid day where everyone is out to rip you off. To celebrate love, everyday is a good day, why just February 14th? Does celebrating this 'love' day even prove that you love that person? February 14th makes is compulsory, makes it mandatory, makes it an obligation even for you to even try harder than you always do to prove your love to that special someone. Does it all not seem so fake and fucking superficial? What is the point of creating a day for you to prove that you love that person more when you can do it any other day or when the occassion is right, when the time is right, when the moment is right, when the setting is right, when the mood is right, when the music is right, when the lighting is right, when the car seat is adjusted just right, when the climax of the movie is right, when the schlong in your pants is parked right? What if you are in the middle of your Valentine's dinner and you suffer from stomach discomfort and needed to shit badly? Would that not spoil the evening?

I ran a promotion for our own retail chain called The Undershop to celebrate Valentine's day and it was aptly called The Undershop Valentine's Day Promo. I don't want to over-complicate matters because I know that there are many not-so-bright people out there and hence the simple and straightforward tagline. It is a promotion that I feel is very special and attractive but the whole things is ruined by those overpaid-lazy ass- motherfucking- asshole promoters who did not do as they were told. What I tell them to do, they must do. Why? Because this is my promotion and I am a higher ranking dude. FUCKING ASSHOLES. I do not abuse my power and my authority but when they do not do as they were told and fuck up my whole promotion, I am bound to be pissed off and when I get pissed off, it is never a pretty sight. I have fucked them up nicely a few times and yet they are not doing anything. My next step, fire all those motherfuckers and yes, I dare say so because I have the influence to make them all get fired. Bastards and whores. Ok anyway, the promotion was that when you buy RM50 and above in a single receipt, you get to have your picture taken with your partner and posted in front of the shop and at the end of the promotion, 3 couples will be chosen as the winners (by me), and will have prizes amounting up to RM2,800.
They will first have to collect their Smart for Two where they will get to drive it for a week, then go for a free haircut by Michael and Guys in Times Square, then go get their free clothes amounting up to a thousand bucks per couple from Philosophy for Men and Salabianca. Then dinner will be at Mojo in Asian Heritage Row. The whole idea is to create a hassle free Valentine's day for three lucky couples and they are lucky alright.
I remember that I wanted to say something in the beginning and I just lost it. Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone out there and go ahead and splurge your salary away.

Oh ya, now I fucking remember. As usual, my temper has been a source of many of my problems and I punched a fucking taxi not too long ago. It was a funny incident. I was driving and those cars coming out from the left and wanting to cross over to the other side of the traffic was blocking the drivers (me) who wanted to go straight and they are so inconsiderate that they have the knack to block a smooth flowing traffic just because they are idiots with an IQ of a fucking cat with it's head smashed by a sledge hammer by some demented kid who looks like that fuck face from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. After the two idiots passed, I was already damn pissed off, this fucking taxi just sped ahead and blocked the traffic again and I almost crashed into him. I did things the civilised way and honked and he showed me the "what fuck?" handsign, the one with the back of his palm facing me. If he was not civilised, then I shall not be one. I got down the car, walked towards him and motioned for him to come out. He looked scared, that I am sure and he just ignored me. I love attention and since he is not giving me any, I punched his car door and he finally got to drive away. Lucky bastard. I went back to my car and my knuckles fucking hurt. It was in pain for 2 days. God damn fucking car doors. God damn fucking taxi drivers. FUCK LARR.

Happy Valentine's Day everybody. Have a fucking good one.

Smoking a dead dog's vomit...

Good morning dearest family members, friends, people who pretend to be friends and also my dearest nemesis, foes and enemies. I have a story to share. (Do not worry, it is nothing like what the title of the post suggests).
A story that started on a morning with clouds of dark threatening the day with rain and thunder. Monday morning has always been the source of despair for many as they dread to work after the weekend. Many people on the other hand long for Mondays as their workplace is the place where they will actually get to feel alive, feel that their productivity brings meaning to their existence and this happens to those who does not have a social life. I have drifted off and I apologise. Let the story begin shall we...

After finishing off his cup of coffee, Charles and his parents went to their respective cars; Charles into his Smart for Two and parents into dad's. Charles finally got the hang of the miniature machine that he has been driving around for sometime now and with the level of comfort that he shares with the car, he controls the semi-automatic transmission car pretty well. Worse than monday blues are monday greys. The cloud hovering above Charles as he peered through the sun roof was thick and does not at all look friendly. It was a dark beginning to a whole new week. Charles has always tried to be an optimist but this surely dampens his spirits but he knows that with the remaining days to come before Friday says 'hello' again, he has got to stay strong. The traffic, as usual was a drag. He wound down his window, lighted a Marlboro Light and took a long drag. Up until now, he still does not know what's the great thing about smoking a cigarette but he finds it hard to quit. No, he finds it impossible to quit. He took another drag and inched his little car forward. The radio was turned up to drown the noise of the traffic but to no avail. He gives up, lean back and closes his eyes for a little while, expecting the cars in front not to move for another ten seconds or so. He soon reaches the roundabout after ten minutes, a trip that will ususally take ten seconds when there is no traffic. Halfway to his workplace, Charles noticed something rather disturbing, there was a blood trail on the road and he knows what it was: road kill. He immediately wound up his window and he noticed the lime green Hyundai Matrix in front of him, hands out, window down, cigarette in hand. Charles wonder how he could stand the smell and and inching forward, he saw it. The animal was unrecognisable with it's entrails all out as if it was giving a free biology exhibition. Judging by the size of it, Charles came to a conclusion that it was a dog, or one big wicked cat but he stuck to believing that it was a dog. Charles looked in front and saw the driver of the Hyundai jerked and somehow struggling in his car. It was getting exciting and Charles decided not to follow too closely, but close enough to get a clear view of what was happening. The car in front of Charles stopped completely and Charles did the same and finally, after sometime of 'jumping' in the car, the man in the Hyundai picked up a still lighted cigarette and threw it out the window. Charles laughed so hard at the sight of what happened and thinking about it made his day brighter. Thinking about others' despair will make you feel more fortunate. Hyundai man apparently dropped his cigarette on his seat and it rolled and burned and caused some pain to him but what happened next could never in a million years be forgotten. The image haunts Charles even until now and makes him feel sick. After throwing the cigarette out, the man noticed that he was right on top of the road kill, poor fucking dog. He did what all manly man would do, he struggled somemore, looking left and right and as if in a trance and asking for help, he seemed very agitated. Through the wound down window, Charles saw a stream of what seems to be vomit being projected out the Hyundai and barely missing the car next to it. He did that a few more times the cars to his right all moved further to avoid getting a free vomit car wash. Charles was not in a hurry and did not bother to change lanes but instead, he sat patiently and watched the man show how much more he could spew out from his throat. Hyundai man finally made a smart decision and moved further up so that his tyres would not be on top of the dog's head and stopped once more before emptying his stomach. Charles, in a funny way, felt satisfied that there was someone having a worse day than him. He feels so much more positive now and it is now that he found his spirit once more to battle through the week.

So now my dearest friends, when you find yourself in a bad mood or in a grave situation, think of those less fortunate and you will then feel better about yourself. Try it, you'll love it.
I need to go and take a dump now and this is just a 'btw-by the way' news, I read somewhere that our Prime Minister Mr. Abdullah BADawi apparently got a yatch or boat or sam-pan which costs approximately USD 8 million? Hmmm. I love my country.