Reliving the 99th

This is the second time I am posting up my 99th post. There was a mistake as there was a post which I saved but did not publish. After deleting off that post, the previous post became the 98th thus making this the true 99th. My blog has a chance to relive its 99th post but not everyone gets another chance. Sometimes, things flash by your eyes and when you learn to learn from it and when you learn to regret, it is all way too late. Many of us dwell too much in the past and along the way, making matters worse. Many that I know, ok, maybe 3 couples that I know are in relationship turmoil. Maybe turmoil will be too harsh of a word but to a certain extent, they are having dissatisfaction. They wish that there was something that they could change. They wish that the other half would do something to improve themselves. They do not realise the worth of what they have. They have each other. They have that chance. Chances, I realised, do not come knocking at your doorstep and when it does, yank it in and lock it up.

When you are left in the plains alone and helpless, there's always options.

Many people would go for this option and I have to admit that I was one of them. They... or should I say we, choose to blame everything and everyone around us for that one thing that failed. We blame the situations, we blame the consequences and we blame the people who says the slightest things that makes you feel that they are not on your side. But who could blame us? We are in a state of helplessness. That was what I thought. I thought that I had every right to bitch and whine and sulk just because I became a loser. I began to distant myself from my friends. I began to become paranoid that everyone is against me, that everyone is out to get me. You then realise that people can only symphatize with you for so long before they feel that you are a burden. I have became a burden and my friends around me felt that I am becoming more and more hostile. True friends stayed close but their heart kept a distance. The instigator of your feeling feels that you are being controlling and feels that there is nothing that she needs to report to you. She can even choose to not answer your call or reply your messages if she sees fit. There was nothing I could do. I was at an all time low. I was constantly depressed. I lost sleep and I lost appetite. I was beginning to lose my friends. Once, when I was driving home, I put on the most depressing music that I could find, cried and screamed until my voice became course, took a deep breath, wiped the tears, called a friend and had a talk with her and then went to sleep.

The next morning when I woke up, I felt so much stronger. I realised that I was not being me. I realised that I have became somewhat annoying. I realised so many things. I realised that I have to live my life and I realised that there is too much for me to do. I am glad. I am glad that I got back on my feet. When I look at it again, my friends were always there, people were trying to wake me up from my state of hopelessness, everyone wanted the best for me. Even the instigator wanted me to lead a better life. This awakening has been great tool of transformation for me. I feel rejuvenated and I feel like I can take on the world again. I have regained all my confidence in myself and in life. The good thing is that I have been able to control my ballooning ego and not look down on others as well as looking too highly upon myself. This rude awakening is remoulding me into someone that I never was. I am happy with who I am becoming. I am glad.

To all my dear friends who stood by me, I am sorry for causing hurt to you guys. I wish to thank all of you for not giving up on me.