I am who I am

Looking back since I started writing, this is already my 81st post. It is not all that many of a posts, I know but come to think of it again, since the first day I started to share my life and my thoughts online with you guys, so much has happened and it just made me realise how quickly time passes us by. We are all different now. We have grown up and have faced so many challenges and obstacles that we have to endure in life. Ultimately, I would not say that it has made us, let me correct that, I would not say that it has made me a better person but one thing's for sure, life has definitely made me stronger and it is that strength that is feeding my ego and confidence. I have become arrogant and I have become selfish, I admit that and I never deny the fact that there is no one above me as I take my own well-being into consideration first before anything else. Just the other day, I met up with an old friend and lets just call her by the name 'Rachel'. It has been quite a long time since I last saw her and that is why she can be a good judge to tell me how I have changed through time since she was not hanging with me through the transition of my transformation. I asked her as to why she liked me before, the qualities that I had, the characteristics that made her like me in the first place. She told me that when we started last time, I was like a plain piece of paper, still innocent and naive. At this point, many of you guys who are reading this will be laughing and honestly tell me, was I not someone like that? Trust for me was not something extremely valuable before and so I gave it out to everyone, every single one. That piece of trust that consists of only five alphabets have had caused me so much disstress before and it was from there, paranoia, doubt and stereotype enveloped my life, as a form of self defense mechanism if you will. She said that I have changed, no longer the Charles that she knew and if given another chance, she would not wish to be with me again. Comments were based on my temperament, my ego and my distrust in everyone. Everyone changes so there's not much of a surprise there but mine has been drastic. For those who knew me long before I am who I am today, you guys know how I was like. Is it not funny how people around you can mould you to become someone that you yourself are afraid of? I have been made this way by people around me and honestly, I am afraid of myself because what I lack now is self control. I am afraid that I might do something that I might regret later in the future. Vicky commented about me as well, saying that I will blow up just because of minor issues, that I will react in anger even if someone rudely cuts into my lane while driving. Is that not good? Will it be better if I keep it all inside and try my fucking hardest to suppress it and when it fails, I fucking erupt and the aunty that is half blind who just renewed her licence and who just cuts into my lane without her indicator signal will get the beating of her life, her legs broken and her throat punched repeatedly? I didn't think so. So when I have minor anger burst, just let me be and everything will be ok. When I have major anger burst, stay away and just let me be and everyone will be ok. I actually wanted to write about movies and how it will apply in our lives. I wanted to write about how I would torment and kill the other person if there was such a thing as The Hostel. Maybe in my next post. Cheers guys and have a fuckinglicious weekend.